


this is the last time

by literatily



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Christmas Eve, F/M, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 20:06:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17230388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literatily/pseuds/literatily
Summary: Lucas didn’t know why his feet had taken him here of all places. He was unsure of why he kept coming back. He didn’t have a good reason. He just wanted to see Maya.





	this is the last time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skylar0Grace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar0Grace/gifts).



> I apologize that this is shorter than what I usually write, but I like it nonetheless.  
> This is my secret santa gift for skylar0grace <3

_ Christmas Eve, 2018.  _

Lucas didn’t know why his feet had taken him  _ here _ of all places. He was unsure of why he kept coming back. It was dead quiet in the hallway as he approached her apartment door, the only sound coming from his boots hitting the carpeting. It was so cold outside, and yet the Texan had walked six blocks in the freezing weather to come here. He didn’t have a good reason. He just wanted to see her. 

Lucas knew she would be home. It was Christmas Eve, and she never did anything on Christmas Eve when she was alone. When they had been together, they would go out and buy a last minute tree, which was usually pretty small, and strung stale microwave popcorn on a string and wrapped it around the tiny tree. She never wrapped her presents to him, but put them in a grocery bag and put them next to the tree. She never had any ornaments.  She always put the same old star made out of cardboard on top of the tree. She always had the fireplace lit, and every time, there was hot cocoa ready for the two of them to drink.

But of course, they weren’t together anymore. The fireplace would not be lit, there would be no popcorn in the microwave, and there wouldn’t be a tree. Their relationship was just as barren.

But Lucas still kept showing up. He was not with her anymore, but he kept finding himself at her door. Every road led him to her apartment. He couldn’t bring himself to stop. 

Lucas came to a stop in front of her door. His hands were shoved in his coat pockets, and he removed one, reaching up and ringing the doorbell. Lucas knew she was alone in there, sitting on her couch with her cat, wrapped under a blanket. She was always alone when he showed up. 

Tonight was different, though. Lucas knew this wasn’t good for either of them. He had to stop returning. Tonight would be the last time. And then, he would let her go. 

The door opened. She stood there, her gaze fluttering up to his. She seemed hesitant for a moment before she spoke. “What are you doing here?” Maya asked, leaning against the door frame, crossing her arms across her chest.

If he was being honest, Lucas wasn’t sure. He knew the obvious answer, the result of every night he visited. However, there was always something deeper to it that they both ignored. He never was. Every time he came to Maya’s apartment, he had no good reason to keep hurting them so. 

When he didn’t answer, lost in his thoughts for a moment, Maya sighed, running a hand through her wavy blonde hair. “Lucas…”

He wanted her. He missed her. And he knew that every time he came back, he was only hurting the both of them more, but he couldn’t help himself. She was a part of him-- she had been from the moment they met on that snowy December day on the train platform five years prior. 

He stood there in front of her, no defenses, no guard up. Maya was watching him, the look on her face unreadable as she took him in. Lucas reached over and cupped her face in his hand. “Just...one more night.” She seemed to study him, her gaze heated, pondering his request. 

“Come inside. You must be freezing.” She said, and briskly turned away from him, walking back into her apartment. Lucas followed suit, closing and locking the door behind him. The red walls of the room were familiar, as was the fire lit in the fireplace under the TV— that was surprising. Additionally, he could smell hot cocoa and gingerbread, and wondered briefly if she had expected him. 

Maya approached him with a mug, holding it with both hands. “Drink this,” she instructed, her voice a bit husky. He did as told, lifting the mug to his lips and taking a sip. Maya had walked away again, going behind the kitchen counter and getting a mug for herself. “How’s your Christmas Eve going?” She asked airily, coming out from the kitchen once again with a mug filled to the brim. 

Lucas paused. “Maya, I promise. This is the last time.”

Maya shook her head. “No, I know.” She blinked a couple times before taking a sip.

But the thing was, it was always the last time. Every time Lucas came over, he promised himself he wouldn’t come back again. And every time, he proved himself wrong.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

_ “Lucas, why do we keep doing this?” Maya sighed, her head on his chest as they lay together in her bed. “Why do you keep coming back?”  _

_ Lucas hesitated before answering, stroking her back absentmindedly. “I don’t know.” The only noises they could hear was their soft breathing and the rain outside.  _

_ It was relaxing, almost distracting them both from their problems.  _

_ The two of them had broken up months ago, but Lucas kept coming back to her, always knocking at her door. They both agreed everytime that it was  _ wrong _ , that they needed to let go, but somehow, Lucas always ended up in her bed. They always spent the night wrapped up in each other, Maya snuggled up to him, his strong arms holding her to him as they slept. They could just stay there and forget the world, their past, and they did exactly so. _

_ And every morning, it hurt even more than it had the time before. _

_ And yet, neither of them could bring themselves to end it. _

_ Lucas would tell himself as he walked out the door that he just couldn’t return, but he never committed to it. He knew  that this process was slowly killing them, but Lucas couldn’t let her go. And judging by the nights they spent tangled up together, she was having the same problem. _

_ Maya let out a deep breath, squirming a bit. “Your muscles are bigger,” she said simply. _

_ Lucas laughed. “I guess that’s a good thing.” _

_ Maya chuckled in reply, but fell silent again. There was never really anything for them to say. Most times Maya would pull him inside, kissing him immediately, no one speaking until the clothes were off and the bedroom door shut. They would lay awake, both silent, unsure of what to say, until they drifted off to sleep.  _

_ What would they even talk about? They never let themselves catch up, no small talk, sort of an unspoken rule. Lucas didn’t know what she was doing now, if she was still teaching, if her art career was still going. Maya never asked about his practice, the animals he used to bring home. Even though her cat, Chester, was a stray Lucas had found and brought back to her the third month they had been dating. But she didn’t ask about anything. And he didn’t, either. _

_ It was another thing they couldn’t bring themselves to do. Talking more would strengthen the attachment they built every time they reunited, and neither of them wanted to admit to the real reason they kept coming back. _

_ There was still something between them. _

_ Perhaps it was obvious to anyone but them, and even though he denied it, somewhere deep down, Lucas knew.  _

_ The break up had been messy and painful, and Lucas didn’t know about Maya, but he had cried himself to sleep for several nights following the split. The feeling he had felt then remained now, but neither wanted to recognize it. _

_ Lucas exhaled, and he felt Maya shift closer to him. She took his hand in hers, and he continued stroking her back, relishing in her soft sigh.  _

_ He could never bring himself to hate her. As upset as he still was about their breakup, he couldn’t blame her. And it was only harder to feel negatively about her when she was curled up next to him, when he could hear her heart beating in time with his, her vulnerability with him. Whenever he came back, for a moment, everything was better.  _

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

For some reason, this night, they didn’t go right to the sex. Instead, they sat on the couch together, like they had so many times before they had broken up. Maya wasn’t letting on to how she was feeling, merely drinking her hot cocoa, studying his gaze. Lucas had never come back on Christmas Eve before, and maybe that’s what made this different. December 24th has always been a special night for them, and whether it was out of respect or because of regret, they avoided it like the plague. 

It was odd. Maya had almost been gentle with him. She had had a drink ready for him. The fire had been lit. And they both were aware that it all felt different than all the other times he showed up at her door. Lucas knew he needed her, that she was a part of his life he was loathe to part with, but the hurt only increased as they grasped onto any form of a relationship at all. 

And it was probably because this night in particular felt so separate from the rest that Lucas was brave enough to say what he felt. Or parts of it. 

“Maya.” She raised an eyebrow, inviting him to keep talking. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” Maya asked, a slight edge to her tone. She was guarding herself, Lucas knew, putting her walls back up slowly and timidly. Lucas knew she wasn’t as nonchalant as she was attempting to appear. Lucas pressed on, despite. 

“For coming back again.”   
“Lucas, I let you in. Do you think I would have if I didn’t want you here?” 

He sighed. “It only hurts us both more every time I leave.”

Maya pursed her lips, her expression unreadable. “It’s a decision we both make, Lucas. You can’t just...blame yourself. I’ve been doing the same— blaming myself, I mean.”

“I know. But it’s me who keeps showing up at your door.” Lucas hesitated before continuing. Maya was still listening to him, expectant. “This is the last time. I promise. I…”

She furrowed her brow. “Yeah?” 

Lucas let out a deep sigh. “Look, Maya, it’s always been you. It’s been you all along. And I know, I know we’re over, and there’s no relationship…”

“But you want me.”

“I do.” Lucas swallowed. “Just for tonight. And then we can stop.”    
Tonight would be the last time. It would be the last time he murmured to her that she had been the one all along as he held her. It would be the last time she cried in the morning, yelling at him for leaving. It would be the last time they played out their routine. Lucas had been set on that from the moment he had arrived.

This wasn’t healthy.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” Lucas said. Maya bit her lip, her eyes a little wet as his words sunk in. 

“The last time,” She repeated.

He nodded. Normally, they would already be in bed together by now, all formalities tossed out the window. Normally. Maya would have told him to shut up by now. There was something different in the air now. Both of them had had the same mindset going in, Lucas realized. Maya didn’t want them to keep hurting, either. How were they still attached to each other after all the heartache?

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

_ “Just go,” Maya snapped, throwing a pillow over at him. Lucas dodged it, grimacing when he heard it knock something over. Lucas’ brow was furrowed, frustrated. He pulled on his pants as she glared at him, her cheeks wet with her tears. “I don’t need this shit anymore.” _

_ “You let me in,” he snarled, angrily throwing his shirt back on, ignoring the fact that the fabric was ripped from when Maya had pulled it off of him the night before. “This is equally your fault as it is mine.” _

_ “You left  me, Lucas!” Maya was shouting now, clutching the sheets to her chest. Why did they have this conversation every time? Why did it always end with Maya in tears, Lucas angrily fighting back sobs of his own, storming out before anything could heal?  _

_ Why did they keep claiming to blame each other when they really blamed themselves? _

_ “And why do you think that is?” He retaliated, his tone as furious and fragile as hers, but his anger was sleeping through. “Why do you think I would do such a vicious thing to you, huh?” _

_ “‘Cause you’re an asshole, is why!” Maya’s voice was nearly shrill now, as she got out of the bed herself, yanking on her panties and shirt.  _

_ “Because you didn’t want anything! Because you led me on, making me believe you loved me enough to get married!” _

_ “Right, because marriage is the only way to show  someone how you feel?” Maya replied snarkily. “You knew I had reservations going in to the relationship to begin with! You knew how scared I was of you doing exactly what you did!” She shouted, storming over to him and jabbing him in the chest.  _

_ “I can’t believe I came back again.” _

_ “Right. Just leave, like you always do,” Maya replied angrily, her voice breaking into sobs as she yelled. “Walk out. It’s what you do best.” _

_ Maya’s father had left her when she was six, and her mother had died when Maya was 19, leaving her alone and even more terrified of commitment than she had been before. Maya was always the one left behind, but all Lucas could think of in this moment was how betrayed he still felt. She hadn’t wanted anything he had wanted, so why should he have stayed in a dead end relationship? What was the point in waiting around for something that would never happen? _

_ Maya was just crying now, unable to get out more than a few words at a time, shrinking away from him. “Just go,” she choked out, her voice hoarse and heartbroken. Lucas bit his lip, his anger fading as quickly as it had came as she cried. “J-just...just go…” Maya stammered, but neither of them were moving. She wiped furiously at her eyes. “Just go…”  _ _  
_ _ Lucas sighed, and instead of turning to leave, he wrapped his arms around her. Maya melted into his embrace, sobbing, gripping his arms tightly as he held her to him, like she never wanted him to let ho.  _

_ No matter what words they threw around, Lucas always held her as she cried before he went home. He couldn’t leave angry. He couldn’t leave her so upset.  _

_ Lucas planted a kiss to the top of her head before picking her up and carrying her over to her bed. He laid her down, wiping her tears away before bringing the sheets up to her chest. Maya’s sobs had subsided, but she was still shaking a bit from her crying. Lucas smiled, a bittersweet little thing, and kissed her forehead before turning to leave. _

_ As he put his shoes and coat on and walked out the door, Lucas was lost in his thoughts. It was always a rollercoaster with them. They would always wake up and fight, but he would always comfort her before leaving. Perhaps it was wrong, but it kept happening, again and again and again.  _

_ The next time, it would have to be the last.  _

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“Do you want to decorate the tree?” Maya asked weakly, eyeing Lucas, and he shifted to face her better. She seemed unsure, hesitant to keep him there, as if scared she wouldn’t be able to let him go. 

Lucas frowned in confusion. “Do you even have one?” He asked.

Maya nodded. “Yeah...I, uh...had a feeling you might be here.” She said lamely, but it surprised Lucas all the same. Not that she had expected him; no, it was obvious they had both known this was coming; what surprised him was the fact that she was admitting to it. Maya rarely let down her guard, especially now with him, expect in the mornings when she couldn’t help herself. But this time, she had opened the door with their traditions ready, and knew that he would notice. 

It made Lucas wonder.

He was overthinking again, and he knew it, but Lucas was prone to it. He couldn’t imagine his life without Maya, but the current state of their relationship wasn’t healthy. 

It stung.

He wanted her all the time. And not just for sex— he wanted the whole thing. He wanted a relationship with her that was more than hookups every now and then. And if he wasn’t reading the signs wrong, Lucas was pretty certain Maya felt the same way.

“Sure,” he finally answered, and she smiled softly. Maya got up, retreating to her bedroom and returning with a tiny little pine tree. 

“You know where the microwave popcorn is,” she said airily, placing the tree in the middle of the breakfast counter.

Lucas nodded. “How old is it?” He asked.

“Oh, shush,” Maya laughed. “It’s a bit stale. But we’re not eating it.”

“That’s fair.” 

They got busy, Lucas taking out the microwave popcorn from the pantry and putting it in the microwave. Maya got some of her floss, cutting out a portion for them to string the popcorn onto it. When the popcorn was ready, Lucas took out the bag, ignoring how hot it was. 

They got to work, stringing it on the floss. Maya was humming lightheartedly to herself, and Lucas smiled, feeling a bit better because she was, too. 

“There we go,” Maya said after a little while, beaming at their work. Lucas laughed.

They wrapped it around the tree, neither of them talking— however, the silence wasn’t uneasy. Somehow, it wasn’t bad at all. 

Once they were done, Maya stepped back, admiring their work. She paused before she sat back down on the couch. Lucas slowly took a seat next to her, trying to read the look on her face. Maya was biting her lip, tapping her knees, like she was trying to avoid the truth.

Lucas understood the feeling. Reliving their old traditions brought up painful memories, which evoked upset, and neither were very willing to go back to the fight. They were kidding themselves, and they both knew it. 

They were running out of things to do before they faced the inevitable. They would sleep together, and in the morning, Lucas would leave yet again. For the last time. And then they would probably never see each other again, if not at reunions or through their friends. Maya would avoid him, and Lucas would give up trying to sustain their friendship. And it all would be over. Forever.

Lucas opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Maya leaned over, taking his face in her hands and kissing him heatedly, passionately, holding nothing back. Lucas, taken aback at first, sank into it, his hands falling to her hips and pulling her to him. He fell back, Maya on top of him, her small, warm body pressed up against his large, muscled frame. 

And even though he knew what would come in the morning, he went willingly. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Lucas breathed heavily, calming his heart rate as he felt Maya shift beside him. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her to him. She draped her arm across his chest, cuddling up to him. He loved her small body up against his, but he still felt uneasy. He knew what was coming, and Lucas didn’t want to face reality.

He still loved Maya. 

And he was pretty sure Maya could tell. 

“Lucas?” She said, out of the blue.

“Hm?” He murmured. 

Maya shifted, pulling herself up a bit and leaning on her arm so she could look at him. “You can stay.”

“Maya…”

She swallowed, working up the nerve. “I don’t want this to be the end of us.”

Lucas frowned, confused. “What?”

“I don’t want you to leave. Not this time.”

Lucas sighed. “Maya...we both said-“

“I know, I know. But…” she shook her head. “I don’t want you to leave again. I want you to stay.”

Lucas met her unwavering gaze. He didn’t know what was best— he craved her, just as much as she him, but he was wary. Their relationship has crashed and burned the last time. What was going to change this time?

Maya could evidently tell what was on his mind, as what she said next addressed his concerns. “I can't say I’m not scared about...about everything. But you’re worth it, Lucas.  _ We’re _ worth it.” 

Lucas stared at the ceiling, unsure of what to say. He understood her reservations, and it wasn’t her fault, but it clashed with what  _ he _ wanted for them in the future. He’d always wanted to marry her, to have kids with her, but Maya’s own past had always made her think she would fail as a wife and as a mother. This was the pattern with her and the end of most of her relationships. He couldn’t risk losing her again after diving back in.

Maya sighed. “I’m a middle school art teacher now. At my old school, actually.”

Lucas furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Some of my pieces were displayed in a gallery in Soho. I earned enough money to finally fix the hole in the ceiling and to repair the heating system.” 

“Maya, what are you–“

“Chester died last month. He got hit by a car. I, uh, I haven’t gotten a new pet. And I dated someone for three weeks. He cheated on me by the second week. And, uh, that’s it.”

Lucas sat up, facing her, slowly understanding what she was trying to do. 

Maya brushed the hair out of her face and got out of the bed, beginning to put her clothes back on. Slowly building her walls back up.

“I have my own practice now, actually,” Lucas spoke up, startling Maya. She stopped her actions, sitting back down on the edge of the bed. “Yeah. Friar Animal Hospital. We’re, uh, we’re in Greenwich, actually.” 

Maya bit her lip. “We’re in different places now, Huckleberry. I’ve been...I’ve been putting more money aside, for the future and stuff. I have a steady job. I can’t promise that I’m  _ there _ , but I’m getting close. I’m working on it.” Their eyes, her gray-blue gaze unwavering.

Lucas had been wanting to hear this for a long, long time.

He broke out into a grin, goofy and uncontainable. “Yeah?”

Maya smiled softly back. “Yeah.”

“Should we take it slow? I mean, I don’t want--”

Maya cut him off. “Calm down, Ranger Rick,” she laughed. “Why take it slow?”

Lucas knew she had a point.    
“I can move in,” he suggested. Maya grinned. 

“I’d love that.”

It all had fallen into place.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

_ Christmas Eve, 2019.  _

It was Christmas Eve again. 

The snowfall was heavy this year, and all the streets were closed. It was quiet outside for once. It was still snowing as Lucas admired tree they had bought and decorated, which was larger than they had gotten any other year. It was time for a little change in tradition. There was still popcorn strung around it, and Maya’s star was still at the top. The fireplace was on, and the smell of Maya’s hot cocoa, Lucas’ freshly baked gingerbread, and pine had filled the apartment. 

Maya exited the kitchen, holding both of their mugs, her walk a little stunted due to being nearly nine months pregnant. She groaned, sitting down on the couch next to him, handing him one of the mugs. Lucas smiled, brushing the hair out of her face as she leaned back.

“You didn’t have to make it if it’s uncomfortable to walk around,” he pointed out, but Maya rolled her eyes.

“You suck at it. It’s the only thing I can make that you can’t.”

“Okay, you have a point,” Lucas laughed. 

“Even though I totally blame you for  _ this,” _ Maya said, gesturing to her stomach. Lucas snorted. 

Maya set her mug down on the coffee table (which took a bit of effort to lean over), and moved closer to Lucas, resting her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her, and she closed her eyes. 

This was all he had wanted for ages.

And now that he had it, Lucas couldn’t be happier. He had his girlfriend and a daughter on the way, and that was all he needed. 

This was the last time-- the last Christmas Eve where it would just be the two of them. 

And because of this, looking back, Lucas wouldn’t have done a single thing different. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hmu on tumblr (alynelsons) and instagram (japrlls)


End file.
